I kept meaning to write a post about my experiences with the first few rounds of DAT (at least you’re spared those gory details…in brief: not pretty), while at the same time wanting to keep some distance from yet another thing that reminds me of how much cancer has taken over my life. But, as it turns out, the scans indicate it was all for nothing anyway…the existing tumors are progressing and there are a few new ones. There is a possibility that because my cancer is so aggressive that it could be reacting more slowly to the treatment than other types of breast cancer might (but that’s mostly wishful thinking on our part, it’s not coming from the oncologist), so we’re going to try one more round, but it’s a shot in the dark. Basically, we’re pretty much out of options at this point. There might be another clinical trial I qualify for either here in Madison or elsewhere, but I’ve been through two unsuccessful experimental treatments already and I’m not sure my body (or soul) can go through yet another one, especially when the chances of it working are remote.
So, that’s where it stands. The news is still washing over me. The hardest to deal with is not the anger or sadness, but the numbness in between. It is an empty and hollow space, frighteningly devoid of all feelings. I do not hunger, I do not want, and it is scary. The other side of the vacuum is an intense and raw place where all my physical and mental senses seem to be heightened. There, I am all emotions. Yet another roller coaster ride courtesy of cancer.
I want to thank all the folks that have been so helpful with meal drops, chores, cleaning, errands and Boo care. It means so much to have fewer things to worry about around the house. If you are looking to help, the Lotsa Helping Hands website has plenty of openings (after being full up in previous weeks…thanks, folks!): https://my.lotsahelpinghands.com/community/jeboobuddies We are pretty good with food (we have a local meal pick up service for at least three meals a week, plus my diet is very restricted and my appetite decreased so it’s difficult to prepare food for me), but if you want to bring some goodies for Kevin and Maggie they would surely appreciate it. Mostly, though, we could really use folks signing up to walk Boo in the mornings. My hips/legs generally don’t allow me to walk without pain until meds kick in around 10a, or so, which means I can’t walk him. Kevin is usually busy waiting on me in the morning 🙂 , so it would mean one less thing for him to have to add to his already full plate. P.S. if you see him, give him a hug, because this caretaking thing ain’t for the faint of heart…he waits on me hand and foot (when I allow him to), makes the meals, washes the clothes, does the dishes, takes out the trash, does the grocery shopping, acts as my chauffeur, runs the errands, walks the dog, takes care of the outside chores, and somehow fits work into the mix (along with some volleyball 🙂 ).
Hoping that I can snap out of this current funk soon. I’m trying, but the weight of it all is crushing down on me at the moment. Maybe I just really need to get the feels out of my system and then can get back to my jovial self. Keep the thoughts/prayers, cards, jokes, flowers, and visits coming…I need them now more than ever!
Love ya’ll. XOXOXOX